i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
