my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize