So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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