if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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