my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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