Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
