if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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