The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
