Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
