I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
