His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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