You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
