The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
