Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
