do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
