You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
