I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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