I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
