allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
