Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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