I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
