I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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