Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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