if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
