Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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