haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
