you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
