smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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