Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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