She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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