when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
