You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
