His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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