good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
