Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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