trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Found your dick twin last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
