cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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