my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
