I faked an abortion last night.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
