Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize