I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
