I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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