i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
