I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
