You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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