Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
