I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize