my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
