I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
