i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
