woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize