yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
