her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
