Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
