Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
