So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
