I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
