I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
