she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
