oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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