mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize