Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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