I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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