I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
