can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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