I'm really into asian looking animals
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
