My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
