It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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